The Slapping Life-Hack
- Larry Githaiga
- Apr 4, 2016
- 2 min read
The Art of The Justice Strike
Have you ever felt like high-fiving someone in their face, hard, with an open palm? Meting out justice and common sense in one swift strike?
Sure you have. It’s all you think about nowadays when Jack from accounting opens his mouth to speak. Or when Mary cracks that stupid joke about her dog. You know that joke, the one she’s been repeating for the last four years. You roll your eyes at her but its never enough; chiefly because she needs a body language translator, among other things.
Well dear friend, worry not, for today we take on the Slap. The swift deliverer of justice. The all-powerful silencer. The magical hand-bullet.
Prepare
Thou shalt walk in prepared.
Your weapon has to be primed. Your palms converted into well oiled slapping machines.
If you find yourself being a regular slapper, invest in a stress ball. Squeeze the shit out of that thing every day… EVERY DAY!! You have to build the muscle! Remember, Newton’s third law of motion states: The deliverer of a backhanded opinion experiences a nearly equal rebound on the hand that delivers it…
Timing
Thou shalt deliver The Slap at the appropriate moment. Not earlier, Not later.
You have to get the timing right. If you fail at this, you get denigrated from a Great Deliverer of justice to a roughhouse bully. And you and I both know that you are a civilized person. Or something close to that.
The trick is simple, wait for that inappropriate comment. That snide remark. That tactless epithet. And then…. strike!!
Speed
Thou shalt not be slow or tardy.
Worse still, getting your hand caught by the receiver-to-be. Anyone caught being slow deserves shame and tears. Yes. If you cannot deliver , why did you commit in the first place?
Strike
Thou shalt deliver with all your mind, all your soul, all your strength and with all your might.
Soft slaps are for a kinky night out, on cheeks not found on the face. This is not a romantic affair. No, you are the deliverer of swift retribution in a hot can of whup-ass, or in this case, whup-face.
Make Chuck Norris proud!!!
The One-Liner
Thou shalt walk away with an awesome one-liner
This is crucial. This is the culmination of a great battle and you, the hero, must have the final word. Invest in an awesome one-liner, preferably short and brutally hilarious. Quoting movies is a no-no. Anyone caught quoting them should be slapped in return, just to send the idiocy back where it came from.
If you come up with nothing, swear, curse, but in one word only. Then walk away like a BOSS!!! No slinking away, no shying off or checking the damage you have wreaked. No, you walk away, shoulders high, standing tall, because you my friend, are the Deliverer of Justice, the Third-person Face Palmer, The Reckless High Fiver… The Slapper
And in case it all fails, walk away with a killer phrase… Something like:
So go out there my brethren, put palms to faces and have an awesome slap-ful day!
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